Peter

Hello, im sick, it sucks!! On top of that I have soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much homework to do, and I dont wannaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....anyways. I called in sick to work today because i wanted to get some work done, and I dont feel well at all. When I told them I couldnt come in the fuckin Bitch Julie, one of my many managers said "this couldn't have come on a worse day" with the bitch tone, and then hung up. I hate how I'm made to feel guilty for everything I do there, then I hear they're talking shit about me behind my back, FUCK THEM!! I'm not going to be working there much longer. The fucking cow bitch denise probably wont give me a good recommendation for my next job because she a vindictive little whore. Thats enough of the bad language, but yeah, I just feel underappreciated, even though I bend over backwards to help those jerks out. I need starbucks right now, oy....

Anyways that was fun, i'll have to vent again soon...byebye

Hey so this is going to be a really personal entry, so anyone who reads it, that is if anyone reads this don't be freaked out or think im weird. I noticed that in the past week after I went off of my medication for anxiety and depression, I became a different person. First I noticed obviously i was far more emotional in every way. My happiness was more intense but my sadness transformed into self loathing. I hated everything about myself, and I feel like everyone I know hates me. Or just thinks im kind of weird and they just tolerate my presense, I cant explain it at all. My self loathing always without fail turns into anorexia, surprise surprise. Its weird because I always have fears about my weight, but the mintue i went off my medication, it escalated, and i just stop eating. I stopped, I would eat carrots every three hours, haha, but at least this time i didnt talk about it, and worry people. Then as soon as i took my medication again, I started to eat, still with fear of becoming fat but not with the hate for myself. So I dont know what it is I guess it boils down to no self esteem syndrome. Why I dont know, and i dont pitty myself or feel sorry for myself I just wish I could understand why I do what I do, and why I feel that way.

This entry is really embarassing for me and its so personal, but whatever, Im ok now and hopefully it will last this time. Because when I look back to the way I felt off of medication, it really really scares me. It scares me that I could hurt myself in such a way, with such conviction and no clarity at all. yikes i gotta go.

byebye

I'm really tired, I worked until about 11:30 last night and went back in at 8 this morning. I had enough of work im ready to die now. im working 8 days in a row until my two days off, oh god why me. Oh well hopefully ill survive even though im being run into the ground. I even lost a little weight, haha added benefit of the job I guess. We're not allowed to try samples at the demo station anymore so I just starve for my entire shift. Whatever I guess its the same at any other job.

My entire family is away on vacation right now, and im stuck home alone, wahtever maybe i can have a huge party!!! yeah right probably not. Ok well im gonna take a nap and hopefully feel better afterwards.

BYEBYE

My house is possessed or something, but thats ok. So I discovered that crash dieting isn't fun, cuz it makes you bitchy. Thats my thought for the day!!!!! So anyways, Some people need to get over themselves and grow up. I'm the biggest one of all, but iv learned that second chances dont always hurt.

Why does the weather on my day off have to suck, whatever i'll live, i'll just have to go tanning to get my sun fix. So yeah im trying to find a place to live so I dont have to move with my parents, lets hope that all works out. I have a couple of ideas. We're remodling our entire house before we leave to make it pretty for whoever buys it. Too bad i wont get to enjoy any of it.

Yay next week is gonna rock, because I got to pick my own work schedule, because i won this stupid contest at work. I RULE!!!

this entry is on crack so just ignore it byebye

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

You’re so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You’re broken
When your heart’s not open

if I could melt your heart
we’d never be apart
give yourself to me
you hold the key

Now there’s no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You’re frozen
When your heart’s not open

If I could melt your heart

Today was ok the weather was kinda nice but yesterday was so much nicer. So yeah iv been going tanning a lot recently and I seem to be peeling right now, im really ichy. I hung out with My favorite people Caitlin Brenna and Kiara today. At one point we ran out of gas and were trying to flag someone down to give us a ride to a gas station. As luck would have it though the only person that happened to offer us help, also happened to have gas with him. fuckin weird but awesome. So yeah today wasn't anything too exciting just the usual. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith which turned out to be surprisingly good. I didn't even really want to see it but i guess im glad I did.

So yeah its been a long time since ov written in this thing. I still work at Trader Joes, and am planning on going back to school in the fall. Wrestling with old demons, and trying to better myself every day. Lol that sounded weird but Yeah anyways.

I suppose I'll write about some really weird recent events, since there pretty much the only entertaining things I can think of right now. Last week I received a call at work. I answer and its some guy asking if Im the Peter who works in the produce department at Trader Joes. I was like not really i mean I work all over the store. He then asks If im the only Peter that works there and I respond with yes. Then to my surprise he say I think you're really cute and want to know if you want to go out some time. I thought it was a prank someone at work was playing on me so I hung up. Turns out it was real and I feel bad, and kinda weirded out. But yeah so now im always looking around wondering who the hell it could be.

Yeah well i guess thats all the updating im gonna do for now. byebye

Wednesday night I went out with Kelly and her boyfriend, along with a bunch of other people. It was a goodbye gathering. Kelly is moving to Alaska for 6 months, and then hopefully coming back, because if she doesn't that will really suck. I drank too much, I had a vodka Martini, a vodka on the rocks, and then two rum and cokes. I had a great time, and Kelly is one of my favorite people in the world, so of course I cried when she was leaving. Hopefully I'll get out there to see her, it'll be nice to see Alaska, especially the part she's moving to. I love you Kelly.

In other news, I'm going to start looking for a new job. I feel like iv'e flat lined at my job, and i need some new experience. We'll see, i'll definately miss the people, but its time for a change for me. I'm one of those people that gets bored really easily, and really quickly, which is not a good thing at all.

Thanks Bitch

I went out to dinner with caitlin and Brenna, and of course Caitlin brought her new baby girl Kiara. She is the most precious little child I have ever seen. I love her to pieces. Caitlin is doing a really good job taking care of her, and has been handling everything very well. Its not as bad as people may have made it out to be. This saturday is the baby shower, and i have tons of good stuff for Kiara. Shes gonna be living the good life lol. I'm so glad everything has worked out the way it has. Caitlin is happy and she and Ian are together raising there baby.

Well anyways its nice out today so i think I'll head out and enjoy the sunshine. byebye

You're such an ashhole. I don't get you at all, I think you just like to toy with people and see if you can hurt them. Iv'e been talking to you for about 2 years, and the entire time all you've done is dick with me. If you try to come back again or try to talk to me again then you're completely fucked up and theres no way you'll have another chance with me. I hate that iv been so stupid, I completely hate myself 100% for letting you screw with my emotions time and time again. You do something retarded and blame it on me. I finally see that you're the real asshole not me, so go Fuck yourself. I hope some day someone makes you feel the same way you've made me feel. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I really do.........

I love you Caitlin. I can't believe it's time already. Im so excited! I visited caitlin in the hospital tonight. Her water broke on Tuesday night and she is expected to go into labor pretty soon, because they just took her off of the drugs to prevent her from going into labor. The baby is a month pre mature, but she is fully developed so everything is ok, which is a relief. Its so amazing that its happeneing now. Life is going to be different pretty soon. Gotta go to bed, i'll write more tomorrow.

I had one of those days. One of those days, that I thought I was past. Maybe this is something that i'll never get over, and never move past. Maybe I was stupid to think I could do it without more help, I don't know. Anyways I'm too embarassed to write what im talking about, but I guess thats just my life. Whenever something goes wrong, i know whats going to make me feel better, but why does it make me feel better. It makes me feel really sick, but it helps me on an emotional level. I cant explain it it makes no sense to me. Why do I hurt myself when so many people are out there with horrible diseases that they are struggling to beat. Maybe I'm just selfish. Anyways i guess it boils down to a bad day. Please don't let it come back, I know its up to me, but sometimes I cant help it.

Today was a very nice day weather wise. I love that Summer is coming im so excited i want this summer to be really fun. i know its stupid but hearing the crickets makes me so happy, i love that sound, and it brings so many memories to mind. I cant wait for the fireflys and the beach, and just everything about summer YAY!

Anyways today at work there was some drama its so retarded I hate it but, one of my co workers comes up to me and says. I found out some information, someone told me that so and so hates me and I know you two are friends and I was wondering if you shared the same opinion. I was like "what the fuck," I dont even know what you're talking about. But aparently my response wasn't believeable because this person decided not to talk to me for the rest of the night. Oh well who cares.

other than that im bored of writing, just like always so i go now. I love you all. goodnight

Hello its me again, me meaning Peter. Today was fun I went to my Sisters house for Easter dinner, and all were there including Brenna and my Aunt Jeannette. Holidays really help you realize how crazy your family really is, and it helps me to see where i get a lot of my freaky traits. I love Easter because I always have such fond memories of what it was like when i was younger, and the joy the Easter bunny could bring. Sometimes I wish i was still little but i guess living in the past isnt good, OH well. I love that the weather is changing and Summer is slowly approaching, as well as my birthday YAY! I'm planning a trip to NYC, it should be fun although its not an impresive vacation its enough for me. Speaking of vacation i really need one from work, I feel like im always run into the ground, am I old or what maybe i need to start working out to get some more energy or something, who knows. The money is what keeps me going, even though i spend it all on presents for myself, how lame hehe. So yeah Stephanie and Leo friends from work, invited me too a party they're having, it should be fun they're both such cool people its nice to know that there are people like them out there, people who care about you.

YAY, im enrolled in school for the fall semester, and im almost done, I so cant wait to get my degree what a relief it will be to finally be done with my undergraduate degree. Although im going to greaduate school so school isn't over yet oy but its what i need. Iv'e been looking into a lot of graduate programs with my Psychologist, he's so helpful, i love talking to him. He was thinking that i should move out of MA for graduate school, so I can experience life more and also get some more independence, my mother agrees. Also my parents are selling the house and theres no fucking way i wanna move to the Cape how damn boring would that be. Speaking of selling the house i found out that i have to get out for a week while they redu the floors and carpeting, oy vey. Its gonna suck to be away from my stuff for that long, o well i can deal.

Now on to a diff subject....anyone who reads this give me your opinion on the matter. What do you do to move on from the idea of someone you know you could never in one million years ever have. Someone I have a crush on who doesnt know or care whether I live or die. What do i do to get rid of an unhealthy obsession such as this. That kind of makes me sound insane but what r ya gonna do. I mean when im rational i realize its further beyond reach than a star in the galaxy but, I cant help but feel how i feel. I'm wondering if the solution is out of site out of mind. I dunno whatever, time to go now talk to you soon, byebye......

Have you ever felt like those special people in your life that you call friends may not be friends at all. Well thats the kind of day i had. Iv'e come to realize that many of the people i call friends dont actually give a shit if I live or die. Well actually they may but only because then who would they use. First of all im trully sick of bending over backwords and going out of my way to do things and feeling like its not appreciated at all. I dont expect any favors in return i just expect gratitude. I go so far out of my way to please people and they cant even follow through when i ask for a simple favor. It gets horribly annoying when you feel like you have nothing to offer but your services. Whether it be money or rides or other simple favors that is all i am good for to these people. I get call and hear, Hi i love you can you do this or do that for me. I never get calls and hear do you want to hang out or i just called to talk. Whatever though, you cant make time for me I wont make time for you either. Im completely done with all of it. I will be used no more. Talk not to me anymore.

my life and friends Sound pretty sad right, too bad its the truth